The Googly Eye Incident

The other day Cassie was in her car seat in YaYa's car and found a little bear with googly eyes in the seat, likely left by big cousin Lanier, to play with.  I just noticed while I was buckling her up that the bear had two eyes.  Then, I just happened to notice as I finished buckling her up and putting her bag in the car that the bear only had one eye and Cassie was rolling something around in her mouth.  So, of course, I press her little cheeks together so she will open her mouth and risk my index finger by putting it inside her new little sets of upper and lower teeth and start fishing for the googly eye.  She is howling and bucking and pushing me away with all of her might.  She wants my finger out of her mouth.  She does not understand why I am messing with her.  She does not know what I know--which is, my removing the googly eye is the best thing for her.  I am doing it because I love her dearly and am protecting her from harm of which she is unaware.  All she knows is that she is mad as fire at me right then. 

I do persist and eventually extract the googly eye from her mouth as hot, angry tears stream down her face. Then the most natural but remarkable thing happens....she reaches out for me, the very "cause" of her pain and anger a moment ago, to hold her, to comfort her, to soothe her, and to remind her that it is all ok.  She is mad at me, but I am all she wants. 

This is where I am with the Lord right now.  I don't want His finger in my life, messing with me, messing with my Momma as her cancer is back and aggressively growing in her body, causing or allowing pain.  I don't want it.  I don't understand why this is necessary, why in His sovereign goodness that this is the only way for Him to accomplish what He needs to for His greatest good, for the most people, for the greatest amount of time.  I just feel hurt. 

But, I reach for Him desperately for my comfort--seeking to lay against His chest and be held and comforted because there is no where else that I can go. 

And just like I understood Cassie's seemingly paradoxical reactions towards me and did not love her any less, maybe only loved her more tenderly at that moment because I knew I had confused and hurt her even if it was for her good, Jesus understands me and is close to me in my brokenhearted state today. He does not stop doing what He needs to do to accomplish His purposes,  but He holds me close and whispers tender words of comfort and peace. 

Psalm 34

¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
   and his ears are attentive to their cry;
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.